Also Known as: A Trip Down The Farcosis Brick Road
(First posted December 27, 2001)
Spoilers: Remarkably, there is one for LATP, pt 2.
Time Frame: Over several days of my life.
Disclaimer: They aren’t mine, but I wish they were. Thank you to the Henson Company, et al. for sharing them
with everyone and letting us occasionally abuse them.
Note to the reader: This bit of insanity was written as much for catharsis purposes as anything else. It
becomes relevant only when you consider that “Voices Of Reason” was actually the FIRST story that grew in
my mind, and it was never supposed to get as long as it did. Every short fiction written between ‘Yeti’ and
‘Voices Of Reason’ was part of my learning curve, and was written while work on ‘Voices’ was underway.
* * * * *
Hey guys? Look, this story was only supposed to be a short fiction, you know, maybe twenty pages at the
most. John and Aeryn? Can you pay attention to me for just one moment? If you want me to finish this fanfic
and slap it on the bulletin board, you have to stop what you are doing over there in the arm chair because I’m
finding it very distracting and I’m not getting much work done.
Don’t give me that attitude, I’ve added the scenes you wanted me to Aeryn, so just take your PK aggression
and sit on the other side of the room … use the day bed. John, put that page down. I KNOW I didn’t use the
correct lyrics of the song, but you said it had to be in the first chapter, and … well if you want the correct lyrics
you know the tape is in the machine downstairs, why don’t you go listen to it? I put them in here this way
because YOU told me that was the way it had occurred.
Yeah, good idea, leave me alone and I’ll finish the story for you … John, I meant just Aeryn on the daybed …
why don’t you two take this somewhere else so I can finish this short fic, OK?
Yes Aeryn, I’ll put that part about what you did in the hangar bay back into the story. Go away for a few hours,
* * * * *
OK, I’ve got this thing tied up now, what … where did those two go? What is that noise in my bedroom? OH
HEY … couldn’t you do that in the guest room? Why on my bed? … Sorrrrrry, excuse me. Uhhhh, John? Cute
Well if they’re in my bedroom, who’s coming up the stairs? D’Argo … what the frell are you doing here? No,
I’ve put you in the story just the way John and Aeryn told me it happened. Of course I know what happened
with the Plokavoids … whoa! Check the attitude … okay, Plokavians … fine, we’ll go over it again and make
sure your parts are correct. And Chiana’s too, big guy. Oh, hi Chi, didn’t realize you came in at the same time.
Oh, come on D’Argo, if I add all that running around inside Moya, I’ll have to add at least another twenty pages.
Hey! Just put the blade down, it’s just a story Big D … I’ll add it, I’ll add it. But Chiana, I just said this was
getting too long … okay, I guess you’re right, if I leave that part with the PK’s out, the ending won’t make a lot of
sense. Just a little coincidence that you were with John when that happened, hunh?
D’ARGO, chill. I didn’t mean anything by that so don’t get your knickers in a knot. Don’t you think it would be
safer if you went and left your Qualta blade in the transport in the backyard? Fine, then let me work on the
Uh … kids? I kicked John and Aeryn out of here when they were doing that … damn, I knew that daybed wasn’t
gonna support a Luxan. Just take that down the hall to the guest room and let me break this story into chapters
cuz its getting too long for just one big chunk.
Oh, John and Aeryn say they’re hungry now and you’d all rather eat than do THAT? Must be all that exercise,
hunh? Hee hee. PUT THE PULSE PISTOLS AWAY! All right, that’s IT! All weapons out of the house and into
the transport pod now. Thank you Chiana, just take everyone else’s when you go … John, give Wynona to
Chiana, she’ll take good care of it. Of course she will, she retrieved it for you in Eat Me didn’t she? Okay, okay,
we’ll add that sore subject to the “Atlas of Roads Not To Go Down”.
I don’t have enough food for a Luxan and the three of you, why don’t you order pizza and go out and get some
beer? The phone number for Pizza Putt is on the fridge and John and Aeryn can go pick up some suds while I
add ANOTHER forty pages to your story. No, D’Argo, you can’t go when they pick up the beer, you won’t fit in
John, here are the car keys, drive carefully with Aeryn in the car, my insurance doesn’t cover paraphoral tissue
grafts for Sebaceans. D’Argo, get out of the car you can NOT go. I don’t care what Gary Raegel did in WGFA,
if the cops in a prowl car see you, they’ll arrest you all. Aeryn! I said prowl CAR, not Prowl-ERS, do NOT mount
the pulse cannon on top of my brand new Jetta. Well in that case, you can’t go with John. Fine, you can leave
the pulse cannon in the garage. How many pizzas are being delivered? Fifteen? … Oh boy … I’ll call and
extend the credit limit on my card and then put those other scenes in the story, okay? Let me know when
you’re back with the beer.
* * * * *
Well, I’m up to six chapters now, this thing just ain’t a short fiction anymore. Guess I’ll take a chance and see if
those folks are happy. Man, at least they cleaned up after they mowed through all those pies. All fifteen
gone? Guess they don’t get much ‘za in the Uncharted Territories … but where the frell did they all go? Maybe
back upstairs … the bedrooms AGAIN? Let’s see, if John and Aeryn are in there … yup … and Chi and D are in
the guestroom … yup … well then who the heck is that I hear on the porch?
Three Hynerian donkeys?!?!??! Absolutely NOT, I draw the line here. Out you three, just go back to the
transport pod and wait for these folks to finish!
Maybe I can catch a little sleep on what’s left of the daybed. Who could be sloshing around in the tub in the
bathroom? RYGEL? Who let you in? Stark, you know I think Sparky is capable of washing his own back with
the loofa, you don’t need to be in the tub with him. No, no, no, I’ll just close the door and when you get out you
can come tell me what ELSE I have to put in the story. Whew! That was a vision I could have lived without.
Stark that’s MY bathrobe … oh, never mind, you actually look pretty good in pink fluffy polar fleece. Rygel,
you’re dripping on the keyboard. Oh come on, you’re getting the pages wet and as soon as the others emerge
from the bedrooms I figured we could proof read this and post it to the bulletin board. What do you mean your
courageous endeavors are missing? Don’t get stuffy with me Buckwheat, I’ve got a good idea what sort of lies
you want me to add. I know I call you names just like Crichton, we are both human after all. Stark, I ALREADY
have one “your side, my side” scene in there, we don’t need another.
Both of you hang on, that was the door bell I gotta go see who it is. Jool? Et tu, Joolushko? Owww, stop
screaming, just because I increased the amount of text for Chiana doesn’t automatically mean you get more
space too. Hey, don’t go all red on me Princess … you want redhead attitude, I got it RIGHT HERE and MY red
is NATURAL. Oh jeezum crowbars … don’t cry … I didn’t mean it that way. Here honey take some tissues and
come upstairs to the office and we’ll add the parts you want. Hey guys? I’m going to add some more scenes
for Jool, so I guess I'll add the parts you guys wanted too. No, Fluffy I don’t want a Hynerian hug, but thank you
Stark for that lovely blessing from the Goddess.
I can’t write with the three of you in here, why don’t you all go downstairs and watch some TV. What’s a Tee
Vee … oh, frell … come on I’ll show you. Oh god, the cat hacked up a hairball in the middle of the bathroom
floor, go downstairs and wait while I clean this up. WAIT A MINUTE JOOL. Why is this cathair-ball RED?
Oh, all four of you are up … I CANNOT write with all of you standing around … I have to add another thirty
pages for these three … what do you mean I have to put those cut excerpts back in? Well, I guess it would help
the continuity. I’ll set you all up in the living room … watch some TV while I add all this yotz to the story. Here, I
have all 62 episodes of this show, you can watch this … What do you mean you don’t like THAT show … it’s the
only one I’ve bothered buying on DVD! Fine, fine … here, three and a half seasons of MacGyver … watch
that. John can explain to the rest of you how to run the VCR.
* * * * *
God damn it, what is that horrible smell? Oh no, the printer just burned up trying to churn this monster story
out. Hey guys? Can someone get the door please? Guys? Just one more thing … NO, I’VE GOT IT. Delivery
from Victorinox? Yes, I’ll sign for it. Do any of you know what all these cartons are? You all bought Swiss Army
Knives to take back to the UT’s. Sigggggggggghhhh. What about this really big one, it’s almost three feet high.
Pilot should have his own? When you’re right, you’re right.
Well, the bad news is that the printer just burned out trying to print a draft of this monster so you’re going to
have to take my word that you are all in the story the way you want to be. What’s that, John? You have a plan?
… I’m not sure that’s a really good idea. I apologize, I didn’t mean to make Jool cry again. Go ahead and get
the DRD out of the transport pod and hook it up … if it really can print the story out I guess it’s worth a try.
Hey, the DRDs really are cute aren’t they. John, is this DRD Pike? … Don’t get all stuck on secrecy NOW
dude. Just remember it was YOU and Aeryn who came to me one morning and asked me to write this story. If
you can’t tell me whether DRD Pike really got fried in the Starburst chamber then maybe I ought to just delete
the entire file, hunh? OK fine. You don’t tell me, and I don’t have to put that very ugly evisceration scene in,
and I don’t have to find a spot in the story for a critter.
* * * * *
Well, they were right about the DRD being able to handle the print queues.
Phone again? NO AERYN! DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE, NO ONE KNOWS THAT ALL OF YOU ARE HERE.
I’LL GET IT UPSTAIRS!
Collect call from Pilot? Yes, I’ll accept. Yes, Pilot? How the hezmana did you find out what was in the story?
The DRD … I should have seen that one coming. Look if I add all that White Dwarf stuff, I’ll have to add
another entire chapter. Pilot I don’t think anyone will blame you OR Moya for what happened even if I leave the
White Dwarf out of the story … yes, I know Moya will be in great emotional pain. No, I wouldn’t want to cause
Moya any anguish, I’ll add the chapter. NO … do NOT explain this over the phone … I don’t understand
migrating white dwarf stars anyway and are you aware how expensive it is to call collect from the Uncharted
Territories to New England? Good, send the schematics to the DRD and have it print it out and I’ll add it. Good
* * * * *
Hi John, Hi Aeryn. I have almost everything added into the story. It’ll probably be another few hours and then
you can all check and see if it is the way you want it. You want more beer … at this hour?
Aeryn, I don’t think I can get fellip nectar delivered right now. I understand you want to do a taste comparison
between that and beer, but we don’t have any fellip nectar shops in the area … yet. You know what? It’s
3:00AM, I think its safe for you to all go for a drive to pick up beer. Sure you can all fit … it’s a Jetta wagon.
John and Aeryn in the front, Jool and D’Argo in the back with Chiana in his lap, and stick Stark and Rygel in the
deck. You still have the keys John? Good, keep it under the speed limit, I don’t want to come down to the
police station to explain this.
GOOD GOD!!! John, driving it like you drive your module is the LAST thing I want … take it easy.
They’re all gone, maybe I can get something to eat now. That Sebacean mint stew was okay, and I liked
Grandma Crichton’s buttermilk biscuits, but they really didn’t go together. Maybe just some eggs and toast …
who’s that in the kitchen, I thought they all left. Ro-Na? What the frell are you doing here? You’re not in this
story, you got fried in LATP! Don’t try and pull that “I’m the mother of his children” dren with me, I can tell the
difference between John Crichton and Ben Browder … now go back where you came from.
Good, time for some early breakfast. Hey! … Where’s the damn toaster?
* * * * *
All right, almost done and no one’s added anything in a while, but I’m still up to twelve chapters. Door bell
AGAIN? I guess I’m being unrealistic if I think one of those wellnitz’s is going to get it. Yes, can I help you?
All right you jolly jokers, who ordered $82.00 worth of Chinese food?
John and Aeryn, I just gotta say you look pretty happy curled up in that recliner. Yeah, I think it’s a comfy chair
Excuse me folks, I’ll go just finish that story up. NOW who the frell is in the shower? SCORPY!!! Cripes, Scorpy
naked in my shower, now THAT sight I could have lived without.
John, can you get your very cute butt up here for a minute? Are you wearing my favorite sweat pants? Look,
Harvey is in the shower and you are going to get him out of here right now. I am not backing down on this one
… first of all he has plenty of space in the story already, and second of all he is YOUR hallucination … I’ve
already got all of you running around in my house, I don’t need another one. Don’t cop an attitude here, I’d be
happy to just go reformat my C: drive and I’m not bluffing! John Crichton, you do NOT want to go one-on-one
with a pissed off air traffic controller and wasn’t it you who said “Damn Smokey, don’t you know you can’t argue
with a woman!”? … Now get Scorpy out of my shower! Good choice. And wash that ring out of the tub …
eewwww. What is that gunk?
* * * * *
Yup, I’m sorry that you all have to leave now too. Actually, it’s been a lot of fun. Yes, I promise not to mess with
what we all agreed upon in the story, I promise not to cut any scenes back out. Hugs from everyone? Oh
alright, I guess I love you all enough for hugs all around. Sparky, Stark, Jool, Chiana, D’Argo … ooooppphhhh
… wow, Luxan hugs. Aeryn, love ya babe, take good care of John for us all. John, mmmmmmm. John, wait just
a second … tell you what, I’ll trade you. One more hug and I’ll put the epilogue back into the story. Ohhhh,
Stop back again some time and we’ll do another story.
Hey, hey, hey! Easy with the transport pod.
FOR GOD’S SAKE, WATCH OUT FOR THE NEIGHBOR’S … fence.
* ~ * ~ * ~* ~ *
You know, all my life I’ve heard all this dren about “Writer’s Block” and the problems authors have creating a
story … and then I try writing and I find what I need is a “Writer’s Blockade” to keep them all out.